One of my favorite Drake lyrics is “People like you more when you working towards something Not when you have it.” First off, yes I’m starting this Real Talk post with a Drake lyric because who knows more about real talk than Drizzy.
Second, I love this lyric because it describes how I feel towards myself very well. Almost too well.
I want a change. I need a change. I’m not going to lie—the last few years in San Francisco have been tough. Friends have transitioned into Adults through marriage, house-buying, or simply moving away. Others have found their stride with a career that fulfills them personally and financially. I’ve watched them work towards their Something and get it. And I’ve felt lost.
I’ve been busy, and I’ve enjoyed being busy. I like myself when I’m cooking + running + swimming + getting on a plane + writing + dancing to rap songs + reading. I like working on all these things, except that now, they don’t feel connected to a larger purpose. They seem to be just…things.
Something has to change. I can feel it and I need it. But it also scares me. There are countless ways to change—how do I know which one is right? There are countless purposes to work towards—how do I pick one? Doing a million things is something I’ve always done, but they’ve deteriorated my higher identity. And now I am stuck working towards something I don’t know is right, or real, or worth it. Through luck or work or some combination of the two, I have gotten quite a lot of things, but the feelings of emptiness remain. I don’t like me with these things. I liked me working on them. And now, I don’t even like me working on anything, because I don’t know if the work I do will actually work.
Habits & Goals
As the year began, I wanted to shake up my behaviors to form some new habits that I think/hope will align my external self—the one that’s working on all these things—with my internal self, who is currently in a state of derailment and turmoil. Over the course of January, I’ve:
- Read 2 books (Shoe Dog and Bad Blood, both highly recommend)
- Signed up for GMAT class (and started the classes)
- Attended 2 creative events (well actually just 1, but it was a bombshell event that I’m going to count as 2)
- Did 1 thing outside of my comfort zone (boxing class)
- Started the outline for a dessert x hip hop book (more on that later)
- Cooked 3 new things (Lasagna, babka, and Instant Pot chicken)
I want to feel thankful, but instead I feel ambivalent. These seem like things my external self did, but not my internal self. But I guess we need to keep working on whatever it is we’re working on in order to feel good. I know I am working towards a change. I’m hoping with time, to know what that change is. To hone in on it with every ounce of my external and internal self. To overcome my fear associated with it. And to find myself a purpose.