Thankful List: May 2019

Wow, I haven’t written a gratitude list at all in 2019. But to be honest, 2019 has turned out to be an emotionally tough year. These lists fell away. They fell to changes big and small. And they fell to my mental health, which for months has been spiraling.

It’s extremely difficult for people who don’t have anxiety to understand what it feels like to have it. Which sucks, because the biggest aide in its mitigation is empathy. Without empathy, we suffer and sink even more.

For months, I’ve been grappling with deep, intrusive thoughts that over time became reality. I see friends moving on and away, too busy with their new, stable, domestic lives to see me. I can’t write, because I’m not good enough. Because what I write has already been written by somebody else. The recipes have been written by somebody else. There is no space for me.

I have been deeply afraid to say that I am afraid. To say that I feel alone and unloved. To say the people I want close to me don’t want me close to them. To say that I am not good enough, because they tell me so. They tell me I am crazy, and so it must be true. It’s these types of thoughts which now are a reality.

This list below is contrived, but it’s something. I know it’s not all bad, and I’ve gone too deep to believe it. There are small wins, small pieces that I feel thankful for, and I hope I can refer back to this list to remember them.

Thankful for:

A new job { it’s hard, but it’s good. I came here to learn and be better, and I know I will be }

Still being close to old co-workers { I was part of such a smart, weird, wonderful team and I’m glad for their friendship }

Friends who give emotional support without questioning or shaming me { They accept me and remember the things about myself that I forget. They bring me up }

Upcoming trips to see friends { Atlanta and then Paris, which is of course, my favorite place to be }

Karaoke { Worth a sake hangover, always }

Meeting new friends { I tried to put myself out there and I’m hoping it pays off to find more creatives to be around }

New tattoo { It’s tiny and it’s perfect }

Workouts with friends { Fitfam really is so invigorating on a Saturday morning }

Swimming in the ocean { I hadn’t gone in nearly 4 years. Never again }

New cookbooks { So excited to have met one of my writing idols Priya Krishna and have her sign the book too }

Solo travel { Another thing I’d put off for years, and I forgot how much I love it }